she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize