I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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