wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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