I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she looked like the before picture.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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