Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
