I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize