you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
