ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
