Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sext me about skeletons
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
