Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
