I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I didn't notice because vodka
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
