If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize