I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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