Ambien. No doubt about it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
