You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
