Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
