On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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