Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
