the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
