I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
this hospital has no fireball
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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