So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
