I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
where does the pee come out of this thing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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