Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
