I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
