I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
