I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
