exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
