I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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