now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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