just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
