i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
