He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
