Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
