I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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