then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
