Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
