I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize