a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
