This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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