Please, let me fuck your mom
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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