I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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