My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
