Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish you could order shots online.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
