i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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