i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
