I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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