pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
