I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
