I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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