And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I want a musical about memes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
