If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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