I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
