I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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