Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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