Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
jump out the window naked night went bad
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
