Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
