I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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