cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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