thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
