So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize