I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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