i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
